Crushing emptiness
I am friends with a crushing emptiness that sends venom from my limbs and all through my body, paralyzing me. I want to move, but my legs rebel. I want to look ahead, but my eyes are misty with tears. I am a lonely man today, feeding myself off lies and half-truths, trying to make sense of the unfortunate episodes that nature forced on me. Given the chance I would not have chosen this curse, but sadly, it is the curse that chose me, and it has followed me ever since, like a kind friend, like a shark a bleeding man. I have run and cut corners, but this pain demands to be heard. It has taken my heart, it has imprisoned my body, and all I have left now is my hoarse voice, and even that is not loud enough. Call her back. Maybe she is the antidote. She is the one who bit me in the first place; maybe knowledge of her poison would give me hope. Maybe I will take comfort in the sight of her shadow. I believe in her, like a benevolent god. I guess my heart never learns.
I guess I am a fool, or maybe this crushing loneliness has made me slow. My heart is demanding, and I am too weak to hand my soul over to another enthusiastic butcher. I have spent days in this grey cloud waiting for the familiar knife and the familiar grip. I have been here, waiting for the strong hand that itches to comfort my throat, drawing these beads of breath that so torture me. I take comfort in these fingers curling around my neck and squeezing till I am purple and blue, till I topple to the floor in a dizzied spell.
This silent space around me is so loud, and this suffocating room too thick. I can hear music from the distance, but it is plain mockery, not music that I like. I can hear birds tweeting in the distance, but maybe they are only whistling in my head. It is this crushing loneliness. It is finally taking my sanity away. Get me my salvation right now. Take me to my church and lay me before the sacred altar, before the broken cross and the bloodied Kama sutra. Let her read each chapter for me. Let her whisper a prayer in my ears as she tramples on me with her sharp heels. Let her slice my back with her little razor and pour venom into my veins again. Let her whip my indiscretions till I call the name of her gods. Allow her to rid me of my breath. Allow her to snatch from me this crushing loneliness. She was worth living for. Maybe right now she is worth dying for. Take me to her throne and make me bow in her presence and beg for the mercy of her whips and the benevolence of her spit.
I am friends with a crushing emptiness that sends venom from my limbs and all through my body, paralyzing me. I want to move, but my legs rebel. I want to look ahead, but my eyes are misty with tears. I am a lonely man today, feeding myself off lies and half-truths, trying to make sense of the unfortunate episodes that nature forced on me. Given the chance I would not have chosen this curse, but sadly, it is the curse that chose me, and it has followed me ever since, like a kind friend, like a shark a bleeding man. I have run and cut corners, but this pain demands to be heard. It has taken my heart, it has imprisoned my body, and all I have left now is my hoarse voice, and even that is not loud enough. Call her back. Maybe she is the antidote. She is the one who bit me in the first place; maybe knowledge of her poison would give me hope. Maybe I will take comfort in the sight of her shadow. I believe in her, like a benevolent god. I guess my heart never learns.
I guess I am a fool, or maybe this crushing loneliness has made me slow. My heart is demanding, and I am too weak to hand my soul over to another enthusiastic butcher. I have spent days in this grey cloud waiting for the familiar knife and the familiar grip. I have been here, waiting for the strong hand that itches to comfort my throat, drawing these beads of breath that so torture me. I take comfort in these fingers curling around my neck and squeezing till I am purple and blue, till I topple to the floor in a dizzied spell.
This silent space around me is so loud, and this suffocating room too thick. I can hear music from the distance, but it is plain mockery, not music that I like. I can hear birds tweeting in the distance, but maybe they are only whistling in my head. It is this crushing loneliness. It is finally taking my sanity away. Get me my salvation right now. Take me to my church and lay me before the sacred altar, before the broken cross and the bloodied Kama sutra. Let her read each chapter for me. Let her whisper a prayer in my ears as she tramples on me with her sharp heels. Let her slice my back with her little razor and pour venom into my veins again. Let her whip my indiscretions till I call the name of her gods. Allow her to rid me of my breath. Allow her to snatch from me this crushing loneliness. She was worth living for. Maybe right now she is worth dying for. Take me to her throne and make me bow in her presence and beg for the mercy of her whips and the benevolence of her spit.
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